Post by Dabeagle on Sept 23, 2015 14:57:53 GMT -5
Ryan and I exchanged a ton of emails, and I retained most of them. In them there were some funny discussions, especially early on, as we hadn't yet begun to IM. Initially, they were about Broken Hearted. I was very excited about his level of commitment and interest. Things started out cordially - he didn't start calling me names until much later .
Ryan,
Okay, I couldn't help opening your story up. Whenever anyone wants to
add tot his, I get irrationally excited and this is no different. I'll pay for it tomorrow morning.
I can read through it and make marks in the text, if you find that
valuable. I call it proof reading or beta reading. I found a couple of
spots that could probably use some tweaking, but I liked the overall
story and I wanted to tell you that right away. Writers are always
worried that they won't measure up, especially in a situation where
you're joining others who, presumably, you respect and are about to be
shoulder to shoulder with.
I'll try and sit down tomorrow and insert my thoughts so you can see
them. Anything I note is merely a suggestion - the story is always yours
and you should feel free to ignore or use anything I say at your
discretion, I won't be offended. By the same token, please accept my
notes as constructive criticism as that is the spirit they are intended.
Thanks for letting me read this, I'll get back to you with more as soon
as I can.
Dave
And his response, again, was cordial to start.
Thanks Dave,
Any comments you have would be most appreciated. Keep in mind it is a rough draft and I'll probably go through and fix some of it tonight but anything that really stands out I'd love to know about.
Ryan
It took very little time, though, before our back and forth brought him to asking real questions:
I'm still going through your notes and making changes as I go but you seem to have a lot of questions about his doctors appointment so I'll explain. This section is based on something that happened to me when I was 17. In my family, and in most as far as I know, you see your pediatrician until you're 18. I had a mole on my arm that turned a funny shade of purple so I went to the doctor to have it checked and see if I needed to see a dermatologist. The doctor ended up looking at the mole and removing it then said he'd have it biopsied and go from there.
The net day I got a call on my cell from his nurse telling me I had to come in right away. They called my mom too and I met her at the office. That night I had surgery to remove a good square inch of tissue from my arm because the mole biopsy came back as malignant. I was very lucky, if I hadn't had the mole removed when I did the cancer could have spread throughout my body and instead of a little outpatient surgery I'd have been looking at chemotherapy and god knows what else.
So, yes, it might be a little odd or different but I wrote the section based on what I know from personal experience.
Ryan
PS, Your notes are great. I've only cried twice so far LOL
and more:
Alright so I just finished revamping the story. I used a lot of your notes but some stuff I left alone either because it seemed to work itself out in subsequent paragraphs or it just made sense to me.
I have to ask, you're pretty hard on Kale and I get that, he's kind of a brat but do you think he redeems himself enough in the end? I don't want readers to dislike him. I want them to see him for what he is, a worry wart who internalizes things to the point where his life has become nothing but a collection of his fears until he see's the light and starts to make changes. Yes, he does some pretty crummy things, like snapping at his mom or chewing out Robin but I think he punishes himself for those things with guilt. It's hard for him to say he's sorry.
Anyway, the updated chapter is attached. I hope you like the Kale and Chase's first kiss scene and the modified exchange between Kale and Alec.
I liked the alternative ending you suggested. Originally my plan was for him to take Chases hand and lead him over to Alec and Sasha's table. The last line was going to be Kale asking, "Can we join you guys?" But I think I'm going to leave it the way I have it. Kale needed to do something big to show Chase he was serious about getting over himself and I think the kiss was kind of sweet. I also like the part about no one else caring, it sort of tells Kale that his biggest fear wasn't such a big deal after all and will help him to loosen up.
Ryan
But, still, I was pretty critical of Kale and got this memorable, but honest, question:
Hmmm, you didn't like Kale and I can see why to a point but do you think that kills the story? I mean who is going to want to read 40 pages of this if the man character is an asshole?
It was at this same time that I was pushing for more of Robin, before BH was even posted, and he was asking why. More on that later.
Ryan,
Okay, I couldn't help opening your story up. Whenever anyone wants to
add tot his, I get irrationally excited and this is no different. I'll pay for it tomorrow morning.
I can read through it and make marks in the text, if you find that
valuable. I call it proof reading or beta reading. I found a couple of
spots that could probably use some tweaking, but I liked the overall
story and I wanted to tell you that right away. Writers are always
worried that they won't measure up, especially in a situation where
you're joining others who, presumably, you respect and are about to be
shoulder to shoulder with.
I'll try and sit down tomorrow and insert my thoughts so you can see
them. Anything I note is merely a suggestion - the story is always yours
and you should feel free to ignore or use anything I say at your
discretion, I won't be offended. By the same token, please accept my
notes as constructive criticism as that is the spirit they are intended.
Thanks for letting me read this, I'll get back to you with more as soon
as I can.
Dave
And his response, again, was cordial to start.
Thanks Dave,
Any comments you have would be most appreciated. Keep in mind it is a rough draft and I'll probably go through and fix some of it tonight but anything that really stands out I'd love to know about.
Ryan
It took very little time, though, before our back and forth brought him to asking real questions:
I'm still going through your notes and making changes as I go but you seem to have a lot of questions about his doctors appointment so I'll explain. This section is based on something that happened to me when I was 17. In my family, and in most as far as I know, you see your pediatrician until you're 18. I had a mole on my arm that turned a funny shade of purple so I went to the doctor to have it checked and see if I needed to see a dermatologist. The doctor ended up looking at the mole and removing it then said he'd have it biopsied and go from there.
The net day I got a call on my cell from his nurse telling me I had to come in right away. They called my mom too and I met her at the office. That night I had surgery to remove a good square inch of tissue from my arm because the mole biopsy came back as malignant. I was very lucky, if I hadn't had the mole removed when I did the cancer could have spread throughout my body and instead of a little outpatient surgery I'd have been looking at chemotherapy and god knows what else.
So, yes, it might be a little odd or different but I wrote the section based on what I know from personal experience.
Ryan
PS, Your notes are great. I've only cried twice so far LOL
and more:
Alright so I just finished revamping the story. I used a lot of your notes but some stuff I left alone either because it seemed to work itself out in subsequent paragraphs or it just made sense to me.
I have to ask, you're pretty hard on Kale and I get that, he's kind of a brat but do you think he redeems himself enough in the end? I don't want readers to dislike him. I want them to see him for what he is, a worry wart who internalizes things to the point where his life has become nothing but a collection of his fears until he see's the light and starts to make changes. Yes, he does some pretty crummy things, like snapping at his mom or chewing out Robin but I think he punishes himself for those things with guilt. It's hard for him to say he's sorry.
Anyway, the updated chapter is attached. I hope you like the Kale and Chase's first kiss scene and the modified exchange between Kale and Alec.
I liked the alternative ending you suggested. Originally my plan was for him to take Chases hand and lead him over to Alec and Sasha's table. The last line was going to be Kale asking, "Can we join you guys?" But I think I'm going to leave it the way I have it. Kale needed to do something big to show Chase he was serious about getting over himself and I think the kiss was kind of sweet. I also like the part about no one else caring, it sort of tells Kale that his biggest fear wasn't such a big deal after all and will help him to loosen up.
Ryan
But, still, I was pretty critical of Kale and got this memorable, but honest, question:
Hmmm, you didn't like Kale and I can see why to a point but do you think that kills the story? I mean who is going to want to read 40 pages of this if the man character is an asshole?
It was at this same time that I was pushing for more of Robin, before BH was even posted, and he was asking why. More on that later.