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Post by Dabeagle on Jan 11, 2016 0:09:57 GMT -5
This is so complicated, I can't even write it all down.
As many of you know, we were moving forward to adopt a 12 year old boy, Nicholas. We had a very, very bad weekend- which was capping off a rough few weeks. Billy and I had decided, just last night, that we'd take advantage of a planned respite where the kids would go to other families for a weekend and let everyone have a break. Then things spiraled so far out of control that one child is out of the house, 95% likely to never return, and there could be an investigation whereby the other foster would be removed from our care while the investigation happens.
Nick had a real breakdown, destroyed part of his room, tried to run away and threatened to kill everyone, hang himself and told us that 'you faggots will burn in hell'. It seemed like a different person, someone we didn't know. We had to call 911 and he was transported to the hospital, where I have just come from. Having two other kids to consider, and that he threatened physical harm and had, what seemed to be, a psychotic episode...he isn't coming home tonight and may, likely, not return. He needs a higher level of care. We feel so bad for him, and so bad for ourselves as such failures.
Then, there is the other two. Our son, Blake, found a lighter and decided to test the idea of using an aerosol can and creating a torch with it. We found an empty Febreeze container, deodorant and a beer can - he was likely trying to set the alcohol up the same way. This could culminate in an investigation into possible neglect for this act, which would take our other foster out of our care.
We are simply bereft. Exhausted. Heartbroken.
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Post by GeeWhillickers on Jan 11, 2016 1:06:52 GMT -5
I'm so sorry to hear this.
Having been through something similar, I can make a wild guess what you two are likely feeling, though I know it's never the same situation. It's absolute emotional chaos. It rips you to shreds. I couldn't function, could barely buy groceries never mind go to work, interact with family and loved ones, write, etc. I remember questioning every decision, every word, every action, every consequence, wondering what I should or could have done differently.
I had one foster child who went through much the same behaviour during a couple of episodes when he was roughly the same age as your Nicholas, destroying his room including holes in the walls, breaking property including furniture and electronics, and engaging in all manner of hateful name calling. I was certain there would be and could be no happy ending. Especially when he hurt his hand enough that medical attention was required. I remember thinking, a number of times, that I couldn't imagine there being any hope for this kid, he was too damaged, nor could there be any hope for a useful relationship between us.
Somehow, we managed to get through that episode. He eventually moved back in with his biological mom when he turned 16 and knew he was old enough to do so without CPS raising too much of a fuss. Despite being disappointing, this wasn't a surprise to me. I knew it would happen.
However, we continued and still continue to spend time together. He came visiting once a few months ago and rang the doorbell before entering. I told him he was as much a part of the family as anyone else here and family don't ring the doorbell. They just come in.
I'll never forget the look on his face. Especially after remembering him years ago, screaming, swearing, and yelling during one of his tantrums, "You fucking asshole! You only do this for money! You don't care about me at all!" I sensed he remembered this at that moment, and something clicked.
He came with us on our family camping trip last year, despite not living with us anymore.
He's 17 now. Today, he and I just got back from a day together at the annual motorcycle show, where we looked at all the bikes and accessories, had fun reminiscing about trips taken, and dreamed of trips in the future. I teased him about needing to shave. He teased me about exercising more. Back when he was smashing my house, I don't think I could've imagined this. Yet there it was.
Not too long ago we were sitting in my hot tub relaxing and talking. We got onto the topic of some of the things he used to do, his destructive behaviour, and on his bio dad, who he barely knows. He told me I'm the person he thinks of as his dad, and said he wonders how I could possibly have put up with him when he was being such a jerk.
Just to ensure a dose of reality is injected here, I had another foster child who engaged in similar behaviour and it did not end so well. I honestly don't know where he is now. It wasn't a great situation when he left. I hope he's okay, but I honestly don't know.
I wish you well and hope it works out for the best. There are no magic answers. I learned this the hard way.
Take care. Feel free to email me.
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Post by silentreader on Jan 11, 2016 21:00:41 GMT -5
David,
I have not ever had experiences like you describe, so I cannot say I understand exactly.
And yet, I do have children (now pretty much grown). And I _can_ imagine how very upset to the core of my being I would have been if something happened that could have lead to the removal of my children.
So I feel for you and for your husband and your children. I hope there will somehow be a good outcome for all of you.
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bobby
Young Hound
Posts: 93
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Post by bobby on Jan 12, 2016 5:30:38 GMT -5
Dave... I really dont know what to say to you except keep the faith that you will get through this and things will get better. When i was much younger i worked with teenagers and have had kids spit in my face and call me every sort of name and then 20 mins later act as if nothing had happened. You have to realize that Nick probably has never had anyone in his life to show him the proper way to handle his emotions. Some of the acting out may be him testing to see how far he can go before you give up on him. Remember he isnt used to someone treating him like he has worth.
As far as Blake goes... i think that is him just being a boy. I did far worse things when i was growing up and sometimes wonder how i lived through it.
Keep your chin up and things will work out for the best.
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Post by Lugnutz on Jan 12, 2016 16:04:40 GMT -5
I'm wondering if he's acting like the older kids and trying to fit in... Don't you have two full time now?
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Post by Dabeagle on Jan 12, 2016 16:25:27 GMT -5
At this time, Nick is no longer living with us. He needs more care than we can provide, especially having two other kids. We've wrestled with this, knowing the impact it will have on Nick, but it seems to be the decision we have to make. The county that oversees our other foster decided that they were confident in our supervision and did not file a request for an investigation, for which we're grateful. THe kids, and we, are still pretty out of it.
Those are kind of the bare bones, but...that's where we are.
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Post by silentreader on Jan 13, 2016 15:25:25 GMT -5
At this time, Nick is no longer living with us. He needs more care than we can provide, especially having two other kids. We've wrestled with this, knowing the impact it will have on Nick, but it seems to be the decision we have to make. The county that oversees our other foster decided that they were confident in our supervision and did not file a request for an investigation, for which we're grateful. THe kids, and we, are still pretty out of it. Those are kind of the bare bones, but...that's where we are. Dave, I'm so sorry that Nick is no longer living with your family. I can only begin to imagine what a difficult decision and experience this has been for all of you. It sounds to me (with my limited understanding) that it probably was the correct decision - but, wow, what a terribly upsetting decision to have to make. I hope that Nick will be able to receive the special care and therapy he needs. At the same time, I am glad that it sounds like things are going more smoothly regarding the rest of your family. Again, without actually knowing, I have a strong suspicion that an "investigation" is something that one is good to avoid if possible. Not that I suspect for a minute that there is anything negative to be found! But because once things get into the hands of strangers one doesn't know how unjustly things might turn out. I'm both sad and happy for you.
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Post by Dabeagle on Jan 13, 2016 16:07:46 GMT -5
A CPS investigation occurs when there is a suspicion of neglect or abuse. There are a variety of things that can fall under those two headings - in our case, they likely would have questioned our level of supervision.
Another foster family we knew had a boy who, one morning, got up before the rest of the house and went into the garage, where he was not allowed to be. He found a book of matches and was lighting them on a rock in the creek outside the house. The county thought this sounded neglectful in terms of supervision and instigated an investigation where all foster children were removed from the home for the duration of the investigation.
The same family had a girl who is a cutter. There was a safety plan in place that all edged items were locked up. When the family moved to a new home, the girl secreted a moving knife and then cut her arm. Later that evening she confessed to her foster parents, who thought they had the situation handled. In the morning they called to report the incident. The county who had custody of the boy mentioned above found out and decided that they hadn't reported the issue quickly enough - a child who was not even their responsibility - and they filed a CPS investigation request.
Both times the results were unfounded and the children returned, but it's quite nerve wracking for everyone. The vast majority are unfounded, and counties can be as capricious an anyone in their reporting. We were fortunate to have a good relationship and reputation with the county and our agency, both in caring for our kids and advocating for them.
None of that really helped Nick, though.
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Post by TeddyBower on Jan 15, 2016 20:41:03 GMT -5
My heart aches for both of you and for the boys.
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