Post by William King on Jan 31, 2018 12:25:52 GMT -5
I have long sought out honest feedback on something I've written - I don't want praise, I don't want pity - simply to know what you think.
This is the opening to my first ever venture into the realm of Sci-fi/fantasy, an alternate future earth. Your feedback, thoughts and comments are welcome.
Okay so I stumbled into this forum by accident, but finding this section seemed like too good an opportunity to let slide.
The neon light glowed in the darkness, reflecting washed out colours that reverberated off the sidewalk. The tall glass buildings he hugged gave no protection from the incessant rain that streaked in cords from an unseen sky. "Join us for a new dawn..." the smiling face, ten times larger than reality, announced from the red and blue electric billboard, so far up towards the invisible sky that it towered over the street.
"Watch It!" The loud voice jarred him back to earth. He bumped into the figure of a man dressed in a grey hat and overcoat, the collar turned up, his face obscured. The man walked quickly on, ignoring him, mumbling something that was lost in the noise.
He stopped, looked down from the giant billboard which was now saying, "Life has never been this good..." and turned, watching the figure disappear. He was soaked through to the skin, the clothes he had on offered no protection from the torrential downpour.
The loud screaming hum of an electric vehicle zoomed past, a mist of water swirling and scattering behind it. His attention was drawn to watching the rear lights recede down the street. He jumped, startled at the touch of a hand on his shoulder. Turning rapidly to look behind him, he was staring directly into the face of a boy. Another dark figure, cloaked in a hoody, about his own height.
"You can't be on the street during curfew." The boy offered a half smile, as if he wasn't sure what the reaction would be.
"Curfew?"
A quizzical expression crossed the stranger's face, but was gone almost in the same instant. Perhaps he had decided something? His hand gripped Joel's upper arm.
"Come on, let's go."
He pulled him back along the sidewalk, back in the direction he had started from.
Any resistance was momentary. Joel followed the boy.
Walking side by side they turned into a small alley between tall buildings. Suddenly Joel stopped. The boy turned, looking at him. They faced each other silently. The rain was dripping from his hair and from the hood covering the boy in front of him. Joel watched, distracted by a glistening raindrop on the tip of the other boy's nose.
"I can't stay here," the boy broke the silence.
The whirring of another car passing along the main street added a sort of highlight to that assertion. Joel was torn, undecided, was it safe?
"Come on!" There was an urgency in the boy's voice, but Joel didn't move.
The rain bounced off the buildings and pooled in a dark puddle around their feet. The darkness was deeper in the ally, only a faint red glow shed any light, and that was at the far end, almost obscured by the gloom.
"Where are we going?" Joel had found his voice.
And now the boy pulled his arm, urging him forward along the alley. Once again he didn't resist, although his question just hung in the night, unanswered.
They stopped below the red glow of an electric sign hanging above the door at the far end of the alley. The dim light it provided washed out by the rain. It flickered, grew momentarily bright, then faded and came back alight. The neon inside buzzed and crackled in rhythm with the flickering glow, but looking up it was still clear enough to read the name – 'BB Club.' The boy tapped a code, pushed the door open, and virtually shoved Joel inside. He closed the door behind them.
Joel perceived the closing door like another statement in a long series of events. The images crossed his mind one after the other of closing doors, their apartment, the car, the train, the centre.
The boy's hand moved down Joel's arm and found his hand. The warmth of the touch was as if a switch had been flicked – this was the first human contact since the door closed at the centre.
This is the opening to my first ever venture into the realm of Sci-fi/fantasy, an alternate future earth. Your feedback, thoughts and comments are welcome.
Okay so I stumbled into this forum by accident, but finding this section seemed like too good an opportunity to let slide.
The neon light glowed in the darkness, reflecting washed out colours that reverberated off the sidewalk. The tall glass buildings he hugged gave no protection from the incessant rain that streaked in cords from an unseen sky. "Join us for a new dawn..." the smiling face, ten times larger than reality, announced from the red and blue electric billboard, so far up towards the invisible sky that it towered over the street.
"Watch It!" The loud voice jarred him back to earth. He bumped into the figure of a man dressed in a grey hat and overcoat, the collar turned up, his face obscured. The man walked quickly on, ignoring him, mumbling something that was lost in the noise.
He stopped, looked down from the giant billboard which was now saying, "Life has never been this good..." and turned, watching the figure disappear. He was soaked through to the skin, the clothes he had on offered no protection from the torrential downpour.
The loud screaming hum of an electric vehicle zoomed past, a mist of water swirling and scattering behind it. His attention was drawn to watching the rear lights recede down the street. He jumped, startled at the touch of a hand on his shoulder. Turning rapidly to look behind him, he was staring directly into the face of a boy. Another dark figure, cloaked in a hoody, about his own height.
"You can't be on the street during curfew." The boy offered a half smile, as if he wasn't sure what the reaction would be.
"Curfew?"
A quizzical expression crossed the stranger's face, but was gone almost in the same instant. Perhaps he had decided something? His hand gripped Joel's upper arm.
"Come on, let's go."
He pulled him back along the sidewalk, back in the direction he had started from.
Any resistance was momentary. Joel followed the boy.
Walking side by side they turned into a small alley between tall buildings. Suddenly Joel stopped. The boy turned, looking at him. They faced each other silently. The rain was dripping from his hair and from the hood covering the boy in front of him. Joel watched, distracted by a glistening raindrop on the tip of the other boy's nose.
"I can't stay here," the boy broke the silence.
The whirring of another car passing along the main street added a sort of highlight to that assertion. Joel was torn, undecided, was it safe?
"Come on!" There was an urgency in the boy's voice, but Joel didn't move.
The rain bounced off the buildings and pooled in a dark puddle around their feet. The darkness was deeper in the ally, only a faint red glow shed any light, and that was at the far end, almost obscured by the gloom.
"Where are we going?" Joel had found his voice.
And now the boy pulled his arm, urging him forward along the alley. Once again he didn't resist, although his question just hung in the night, unanswered.
They stopped below the red glow of an electric sign hanging above the door at the far end of the alley. The dim light it provided washed out by the rain. It flickered, grew momentarily bright, then faded and came back alight. The neon inside buzzed and crackled in rhythm with the flickering glow, but looking up it was still clear enough to read the name – 'BB Club.' The boy tapped a code, pushed the door open, and virtually shoved Joel inside. He closed the door behind them.
Joel perceived the closing door like another statement in a long series of events. The images crossed his mind one after the other of closing doors, their apartment, the car, the train, the centre.
The boy's hand moved down Joel's arm and found his hand. The warmth of the touch was as if a switch had been flicked – this was the first human contact since the door closed at the centre.
