Post by baddius on Mar 22, 2018 6:14:41 GMT -5
A few years back, in central Nebraska lived a devout old woman. She had dedicated most of her life to obeying God and avoiding sin and temptation whenever possible. She had never missed a day of church in her life, not even when she came down with the flu. She prayed to god every morning and night and between meals. She was always kind to others and tried not to judge people and she did her very best to live a pious life. By all accounts, she was a saintly old lady.
One fateful day there was a massive storm. Torrents of water fell from the heavens. Howling winds threatened to tear apart buildings. Softball-sized hail fell from the sky in spades. The local authorities pleaded with residents to evacuate due to the nearby river flowing over its banks. The woman, however, was not scared. She knew that God would look out for her. She simply got down on her knees with her bible and her prayer beads and prayed.
Several hours passed and the water covered the entire first floor of her house, so she had moved to the second floor. As she kneeled, praying, a small, rickety canoe being paddled by a young man drifted by her window.
"Oh thank God," exclaimed the man, "I have room for just one more person! Quick, the water is rising. Climb aboard!"
The old woman shook her head and smiled. "No need, young man. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So the man paddled on by.
A few hours later the old woman had been driven to her roof by the rising waters. She was kneeling in the pouring rain praying, clutching her bible, when a large motorboat puttered up.
"Oh thank goodness!" shouted the man piloting the boat, "We have room for seven more people. We have blankets and supplies. Jump aboard, lady!"
"No, no. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So, the boat sped off.
A full day went by and the old woman was not clinging to her chimney, the water up to her neck. She was still devoutly praying, though she had long ago dropped her Bible. Just as the water started reaching her mouth, a large coast guard cutter with a helicopter on deck pulled up. The captain shouted at her over his megaphone.
"Civilian! This is the United States Coast Guard. We have been sent to the area to rescue all survivors! Climb aboard! We have room for 50 more people. We have food, water, warm beds and even Wifi access! We're lowering the ladder to you now!"
"No need for drama. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So, the coast guard left.
A few minutes passed and the woman found herself at the pearly gates. Of course, she had made it into heaven and it was as beautiful as she could imagine. When she finally got in she marched right up to God and slapped him in the face.
"Just what in the Hell was that!?! I have served you faithfully all my life! I spent the past few days sitting in freezing cold water, praying for you to save me and what do I have to show for it? You let me die!"
God just let out an exasperated sigh and facepalmed.
"For fucks sake, lady. What more do you want? I SENT THREE BOATS!"
One fateful day there was a massive storm. Torrents of water fell from the heavens. Howling winds threatened to tear apart buildings. Softball-sized hail fell from the sky in spades. The local authorities pleaded with residents to evacuate due to the nearby river flowing over its banks. The woman, however, was not scared. She knew that God would look out for her. She simply got down on her knees with her bible and her prayer beads and prayed.
Several hours passed and the water covered the entire first floor of her house, so she had moved to the second floor. As she kneeled, praying, a small, rickety canoe being paddled by a young man drifted by her window.
"Oh thank God," exclaimed the man, "I have room for just one more person! Quick, the water is rising. Climb aboard!"
The old woman shook her head and smiled. "No need, young man. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So the man paddled on by.
A few hours later the old woman had been driven to her roof by the rising waters. She was kneeling in the pouring rain praying, clutching her bible, when a large motorboat puttered up.
"Oh thank goodness!" shouted the man piloting the boat, "We have room for seven more people. We have blankets and supplies. Jump aboard, lady!"
"No, no. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So, the boat sped off.
A full day went by and the old woman was not clinging to her chimney, the water up to her neck. She was still devoutly praying, though she had long ago dropped her Bible. Just as the water started reaching her mouth, a large coast guard cutter with a helicopter on deck pulled up. The captain shouted at her over his megaphone.
"Civilian! This is the United States Coast Guard. We have been sent to the area to rescue all survivors! Climb aboard! We have room for 50 more people. We have food, water, warm beds and even Wifi access! We're lowering the ladder to you now!"
"No need for drama. The Lord will provide. The Lord will provide."
So, the coast guard left.
A few minutes passed and the woman found herself at the pearly gates. Of course, she had made it into heaven and it was as beautiful as she could imagine. When she finally got in she marched right up to God and slapped him in the face.
"Just what in the Hell was that!?! I have served you faithfully all my life! I spent the past few days sitting in freezing cold water, praying for you to save me and what do I have to show for it? You let me die!"
God just let out an exasperated sigh and facepalmed.
"For fucks sake, lady. What more do you want? I SENT THREE BOATS!"