I liked your bagpipe humor. It reminded me of this one.
A guy walks into a bar in the early afternoon. He sets a duffle bag on the bar and orders a beer. When the bartender sets the drink down the duffle bag begins to move. The bartender yelps and asks what the hell!? The guy dumps an octopus out of the bag. The bartender tells him to get it out of here. The guy says it is a very valuable and rare octopus, and it can play any instrument. So, he can't let it out of his sight. The bartender points to an upright piano and says "Prove it and your drinks are on me." The guy thumps the octopus and points at the piano. The octopus maneuvers over to the piano and starts playing Chopin and after a few minutes' finishes with some Elton John and returns to the bar. The bartender is shocked and goes to the end of the bar and comes back with a guitar and places it on the bar. The guy thumps the octopus again and points at the guitar. The octopus surrounds the guitar and starts playing a little Segovia and after few minutes' finishes with some Eric Clapton songs. The bartender says one more instrument and drinks for you will be free for a week! He then goes into a backroom and comes back with a bagpipe and replaces the guitar on the bar with it. The guy starts to thump the octopus, but it is already headed for the bagpipes and is soon all over it, but no music is coming from the bagpipes. The bartender goes Ha! no free drinks for you! The guy says just give it a minute. When he figures out, he can't fuck it, he'll play it.